Forgiveness – part 2 / Forgiveness doesn’t always forget.
March 16, 2009I was really impressed with today’s class and discussion on forgiveness that we had at church.
If you do not know about the abuse that I suffered at the hands of another in the name of God and to fully appreciate what you are going to read here you need to read the following:
Then come back to this blog. If you already know about it then skip that part and continue on.
And for those who struggle or have struggled with mixing forgiveness as acceptance of one’s actions such as myself I wrote the following blog as well:
Forgiveness doesn’t make it right?
The subject of forgiveness has been on my plate for about 6 months now. The forgiveness that I found to show another has torn down more walls than I know about. The ability to forgive someone who did so much damage to my relationship with God in the name of God, of all things, has really revived my relationship with Him. My ability to forgive was nothing short of a miracle and was a work of God and not that of myself and it took 27 long years.
Notice I called my ability to forgive an abuser a miracle.
I can’t think of any other way to describe it. It was like God performed surgery on my spirit. He is the “Great Physician” / the “Great Healer”.
Forgiveness, like any other fruit of the spirit, is something that has to be nurtured and maintained. Why? Because we’re human. If we were God then it wouldn’t be an issue. We struggle and in some cases it’s just not in us like it was for me for 27 years. Words cannot even begin to describe the hate and malice that was in my heart for nearly 3 decades. What was done to myself and others was totally wrong, and was even done in the name of God, was actually a ministry, albeit a very misguided one and obviously not one of God. My mind still has a hard time wrapping around that last part. But people sat in churches and listened to others sell this ministry and some supported it, some knowingly, some unknowingly. And others still practice it today and it continues to go on even as close as an hour’s drive of our church.
The old ways of thinking about forgiveness have to be wiped out of our heads and our hearts. I’m not perfect. If I forgive you there is a chance that I’m going to have to forgive you for the same offense again even though you only committed it once. It’s like being humble. How many times are we humble? How many times does God have to remind us not to be prideful and to get back to humility? Being able to forgive is a part of humility.
But if you are like me then that’s not what you were taught growing up. I was taught that when you forgave someone that was it, the end of it. Well I wish it were that simple. In the case of forgiving Dee for the abuse I suffered at the hands of her and her family I find myself being reminded of it more and more. A phone call from an investigator here, a phone call from someone else there. Just when I’m ready to move on I get reminded of it, involved in it all over again. Even writing this blog involves me being reminded of the abuse I and others like me suffered at her hands and the hands of others. Except now I can accept that it happened to me and realize that yes I’am who I am because of it, good or bad. But it’s my choice to let it be a part of my life now and it’s my choice to let it be a bad part or a good part. I choose to let it be a good part and that’s the beauty of forgiveness.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean we forget, it means we choose to handle it the way God would want us to.
And that is going to vary in every situation. In some cases someone may even have to answer to the judicial system. And if they do we cannot put the blame for that on ourselves. We forgive them for what they have done, we pray for them, we show them mercy, love, and acceptance. Forgiveness does not mean that we stand in the way of any consequences that they may suffer do to their actions.
Do not confuse forgiveness with reconciliation.
In some cases reconciliation is not a wise decision and should not be a part of forgiveness.
What? Did you really just say that? Yes I did and I will say it again:
In some cases reconciliation is not a wise decision and should not be a part of forgiveness.
Example #1: (no to reconciliation)
Some of you know my ex wife and you know that I tried to reconcile that marriage. All it did was drag me down and was all consuming to the point that nothing else mattered as long as she was happy. If she was happy (not very often) then I was happy (so I thought) and well that just kept me miserable and out of tune with God. I know I was no where near the husband that I should have been but at least I tried and for that there is no shame. Reconciliation is not what God wanted in that situation for me. Moving on, leaving that part of my life behind, learning from my mistakes, and drawing closer to Him is what He wanted for and from me. That doesn’t mean I don’t pray for her or don’t forgive her. It just means that I move on with my life.
Example #2: (yes to reconciliation)
In some cases reconciliation is part of the forgiveness process and should be pursued. In my situation with Dee I don’t see us being best buddies but I do pray for her. I even talk to her occasionally and check on her. Don’t you know that God is using that as a testimony to His love for her in her life even though I don’t get to see it firsthand.
It’s not me, trust me, it’s definitely a God thing. And hopefully others that struggle with what Dee did to us will see the miracle that God has performed in my life through showing me how to forgive her. And hopefully those who continue to be consumed with hate towards her will let it go and let God cure them of their spiritual cancer.
Bottom line though is I have to work at forgiveness. I have to get out of God’s way and let Him perform the miracle of forgiveness in my life. I have to surrender to Him so I can do for others what He has done for me. Sometimes it might take a day, a week, a month, or in some cases, 27 years.
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